Why France? -- 21/08-06

...to be completely honest, I really don't know.

I mean, obviously there are the very practical/logical answers like: I'm studying French. And, France is the land of good food, good taste, art, architecture, poetry, music, love... but, why am I studying French in the first place? I mean, why French? As opposed to Spanish, Italian, Chinese, Japanese???

There have been several major influences in my life that have led me to French.. the first being my older sister, coming home from high school spreading joy and fun about French classes with lovely teachers and oh I always did want to be just like her when I grew up...

Then there's family in Belgium, my cousin, May, being fluent in at least five (possibly more) languages, the object of my awe and admiration, especially when at awkward 17, I travelled to Europe for the first time, insecure, unprepared and utterly hopeless at communication, she inspired me with her courage, her worldly experience... French was a gateway!!

There were, also, friends, dear friends who have long since ceased being friends, with whom I shared many dreams of travel and adventure.. friends who were drawn by Paris, inexplicably in love with it without ever having set foot there, and so, by association, drew me there also...

But seriously, although all of the above are quite valid and true factors in bringing me here; I honestly don't feel much of a personal connection with France.. at least not yet.

Late last year I hurriedly completed an exchange application form and handed it in before I could have a chance to rethink it and wimp out. I didn't think too much about it at all in fact. I just knew I had to do it then, or I would never do it.. and even after I got my approvals and approvals, I never did get so excited as to actually prepare myself. So far, I have only done just what I need to get by...

I wonder to myself daily, do I really want to be doing this???

The answer is yes. Of course. Always yes. I am afraid. Yes. Quite a lot afraid. Yes. I know I will miss home. Yes. This is a risk. Yes. This is totally unnecessary. Yes also, BUT(!), totally desired also, YES!

May asked me yesterday what my aspirations for the next six months are. Fluency- or a higher level of fluency in French - obviously. Increased confidence/self-esteem. Growing up. Mostly growing up. Personal growth, I think, is really important to me at the moment. I can't even go into what a great/amazing/fantastic/perfectly beautiful year it's been for me so far - because that would be another blog - but I want more! Yes, I'm greedy. For the first time since I can remember, I just feel so completely happy (and far too comfortable) and the people around me have been at the very heart of that feeling. I've just realised how very incredibly LUCKY I am to have all that I have, and how much I take everything for granted. I really think it's time I grew up, took more responsibility for my own life and my actions, and learn some independence as well as learn how to contribute back to these most extraordinary people with whom I share my life, who have made me ME, and made me proud of who I am and made me realise who I can be...

wow.. what a load of gush... as miss catdog would say :P

So... why do I have to do this 12,000 kms away? Well, without leaving I would've never realised how much I love you all.. it's been less than a week and I miss home so much it made me cry yesterday...

See what a baby I am?

I need to prove to myself that I can do this. Not alone, because I know you're all right there for me if I need you, but I need to know I can stand on my own two feet. Six months isn't all that long at all, really...

When I really think about it, I have it easy...

So... the answer to my question "Why France?" hasn't been answered at all... I had thought that I was maybe looking for someone, but they're probably back in Melbourne waiting for me to come home.. I suspect the answer is something really obvious like... "cheese".

In any case, it's no longer a secret. My main goal for the next six months is to conquer France. I'm going to make it mine.

Y'all just watch me! ;P

xx luce